Home
by shiny-serenity
Summary: Stuff that occupies me until September 24. Reviews make my day! Literally, I have no life...
1. Chapter 1

She sighed as she lifted her trembling hand and clicked on her pen. The sift glow of the alarm clock read 3:47a.m. She hadn't eaten in days, hadn't slept for longer than that. She faltered, building up herstrength. It was funny how she once was so strong. Never one to admit her feelings or let her guard down. She had long since forgotten about trying to wipe the tears odd of her cheek. Whenever she did, they were back in moments. She moved her pen over the pad of paper and it glided slowly, letting the flow trail lazily behind it. Maybe, she thought. Maybe this time, I don't have to be strong.

Rick-

I can't sleep.

I need you.

I'm not sure if everything will be okay, but I'm alright with that. I want to try this. I want to try us. Just one more time, please. I know I might not be the easiest person to fall in love with, but I know that you did it before. So let's do it again. I still think about you all the time, and I hope I cross your mind once in a while. I want to crawl into a cave with you and wait out the storm, like the first time. We can wait it out together. I just want you to hold me one more time.

If you were here, I would make you look into my eyes and swear to me that you don't think about it.

But you're not.

So I'm writing you this letter because words are for you. They only exist for you, the writer. I'm a cop. But I'm still sitting here with a pen, aren't I?

And if this doesn't work, it never will. But if it does.

I guess I'm willing to take that risk.

So please come home to me. Wherever you are, it's too far away. I need you beside me. I just need to know that you are nearby and that I have you to lean on and cry on. I remember how things were and I know that things won't ever be the same, but we can get pretty damn close. The world doesn't matter. Nothing matters but us. You. Me. As long as we're together, nothing else matters. Nothing.

I don't know what happened. I never knew why we fell apart. Maybe those things that once meant everything to us we're gone. And once the glue was gone, there was nothing left to hold us together. But now I know what is important to me: You.

Only you.

I have my priorities straight. You might turn me away, tell me you hate me. And hate is fine. Hate is something. But please, just don't say that you no longer care. Because anything is better than nothing. And everything is better than anything.

And you- you are my everything.

So please. If my life amounts to nothing, at least I'll know that I have you.

Come home and sit with me, breathe with me. Be with me.

Just be.

Whenever you're ready to come back, I'll always be here,

Always.

-Kate

She folded the letter carefully into thirds and slid it into its envelope, licking it shut and setting it gently down on the desk. The moonlight streamed through the windows and illuminated a photograph by the old lamp. She brushed her hands over it, not wanting to see it again. Nothing of Rick will be touched until he is home. She slowly unbuttoned his dress shirt that she was still wearing. For the past month. She folded it over the back of his chair and left the study silently, not even touching the doorknob. She trekked into the hall and opened up the coat closet, digging around in the dark before pulling out a trash bag full of blankets from her old apartment. She remembered stashing them there when she first moved in. She dragged it out to the kitchen floor and unfolded them on the clean white tile. She lay down, her body shaking from the cold, and rested her head on her hands for lack of a pillow. She curled tightly around the blankets and cried herself to sleep.

The door creaked open slowly and Alexis walked in to the loft, toting a duffel bag. She plopped it down on the floor if the hall and padded softly back to the living room. There was a single plastic cup on the table. She touched it lightly and her fingers lingered.

Beckett was here.

She left the cup and entered quietly into her father's abandoned room, not stepping any farther than the doorway. She looked around, tears welling up in her eyes. She stood as long as she could take it before turning on her heel, wiping therears from her eyes. She walked to the kitchen and jumped up onto the counter. There was Kate, curled in a ball on the floor. Frowning even in her sleep, her brown hair splayed out around her, contrasting the white tile. It looked like a halo. Alexis stared hesitantly before making up her mind. She slowly slipped out of her Columbia University sweatshirt fold rolled it up into a ball, sliding it beneath Kate's head. She sat up on her knees and spoke.

"He'll come back, mom. I promise."

And in that sleepy place where Kate was, Alexis could swear that the corner of her lips turned up just a tiny bit.

Alexis was lying awake in her bed. The time was rolling into the early hours of morning when she decided to get up. She stepped out of her blankets, no longer suffocated by them. She tiptoed down the stairs and was less than halfway down whe. She heard the small squeak of a key in the lock. She took in a sharp breath and stayed out of sight. Heavy footsteps resonated off the wall, moving through the loft. The stopped, and Alexis continued down the stairs, breathing normal again. She heard rustling and a few thumps from behind the counter. She slid across the smooth wood floor and slowly peeked around the cabinets. There was Kate, all small. And there was her dad, arms wrapped around her. Hewasn't shaved in a while, and his shadowy cheek was pressed against Kate's. His steady breathing combined with hers and she moved towards him. He squeezed his arms and just held her. Alexis smiled then for the first time in weeks and dopped to her knees. She lay down beside Kate, sandwiching her in the middle. She wrapped her arm across and rested it on her Dad's shoulder.

And as she drifted off slowly, the last thing she heard was him.

"I'm so sorry."


	2. Chapter 2

They slept late. Rick was the first to wake up at 12:45. He felt the sunshine even before he opened his eyes, warming him. He fluttered his eyelids, stretching his back and letting out a quiet yawn. When he finally adjusted to the brightness of the early afternoon, he saw the two things he wanted most to see. His girls. There was his daughter, cheeks pink and hair as fiery as ever, with her arms stretched across his shoulder. And between them, there was Beckett. Kate. Her face was sunken and shallow, and he wondered if she had eaten the whole time he was gone. Almost two months. Seven weeks away from her, away from his whole life. He frowned and studied her face longer. She had her eyebrows furrowed slightly, as if she was concentrating on something in a distant dream. One of his arms was still pinned under her, wrapped tightly around her slim waist. He lifted his free arm slowly and brushed lightly across her cheek with the back of his hand. Her eyelid flickered, just barely visible to him. But he had spent so long studying her, he knew all of her movements and faces, all her hidden meanings and inner thoughts. He retracted his hand and she stirred slightly, letting out a soft noise from the back of her throat. He took a deep breath, his brain flooding with a sea of possibilities.

What if she doesn't want me back? What if I can't undo the damage I've done?

What if she's too far gone?

He swallowed the lump in his throat and watched nervously as she rolled onto her back and yawned, just as he had done. She squinted her eyes before she opened them, rubbing the sleep from her face.

Her face was neutral when she laid eyes on him.

He wanted to say something. To at least show her that he wasn't angry. Why would he be?

She sat up slowly, leaning back on her elbows to support her torso. Her eyes flickered up and down, giving him a once over. He was still numb, just staring at her beauty. Barely past lunchtime, she was waking up. She was hungry and tired and angry, yet she awoke with grace. She was mesmerizing. Her mop of brown curls looked almost blonde in the sunlight, and her eyelashes cast long shadows beneath her hazel eyes. And her eyes alone- he could get lost.

She turned to glance at Alexis before gesturing for him to come with her. She stood up slowly, using the counter to pull her tired muscles up. He did the same, careful to keep his face calm. He had no idea where she was going with this. She walked all the way to the study without turning around, and from there she pushed though the door to their bedroom. He followed calmly, showing no emotions.

If he did, he was afraid he might cry.

She stopped in the center of the room and turned around, hands resting on her hips. For the first time in months, they made eye contact. Her hazel met his piercing blue and they just stood.

Finally, he broke the spell.

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head.

"Why? Why would you be sorry? You did what you wanted, and I did the same."

He closed his eyes, the numbness spreading through his veins.

"No, I- I didn't. I don't want anything but you."

She only blinked, and he had a flashback of the first time he told her he loved her. While she was conscious.

She didn't speak, so he continued.

"I was stupid. I still am. I don't know why I left, but as soon as I did, I knew it was a mistake. I can't ever be happy without you."

Now he was just rambling, stumbling on his words.

"And I know that that was definitely the worst thing I've ever done and I...I just feel terrible, I should have-"

She shook her head no and cut him off by grabbing the collar of his jacket and pulling him towards her. She closed her eyes and kisses him, going back in time to the first day. The rainstorm.

She held him close, feeling butterflies in her stomach every time they moved together. She walked herself back into the wall and wrapped her arms around his waist, nestling her head in his shoulder. She never started crying, but after a while, she was trying to stop. He had his hands on her back pressing her tightly against him as she cried.

"I'm just so glad you're back."

And her hands were in his hair, tangled up in him, feeling all of him. She wanted him to be hers again, and now he was. His hands slipped down her neck to her collarbones, tracing like a feather across her shoulder blades and back down her back. And then they just were.

They were two crying messes entwined with one another, wanting to be loved again.


	3. Chapter 3

Kate sat with her knees up against her chest, her arms wrapped tightly around them. She bit her lip and searched her memory, trying to go back a few months. Her eyelids fluttered shut as she slipped into the past, remembering the terrible things she'd said. All of the things she had done.

_Rick is already in bed when Kate gets back from the precinct at midnight. She carefully places her keys in the bowl by the entrance and moves slowly through the dark, silent house. Alexis is off at Columbia for the week and Kate had promised to be home by six o'clock. Of yesterday. She opened the fridge, squinting at the brightness of the internal light. It's full of food. Leftover casseroles and chicken parmesan. She sees fruit and salad and pasta, but doesn't reach out for anything. Kate is not hungry, even though she skipped her lunch break again today. Finally, she extends her arm, grabbing instead a bottle of water. She brings it over to the living room, where she drops her purse and sheds her heels. The couch looks inviting, but she doesn't sit. Everything just feels wrong to her. Probably because of her cold. It bothered her that her immune system was weak enough to get sick. She hadn't taken a sick day since elementary school, and wasn't about to start now. So she worked through it. She finished off her water and walked across the polished wood floor in her slippery socks. Through the study and into their room. Rick was indeed fast asleep, his laptop by his side. She sighed, not wanting to bother him. She went to his side and kissed him lightly on the forehead. Guess she was sleeping in the guest room tonight. She grabbed a blanket from the armchair in the corner of the room and brought it all the way upstairs to the guest room, passing Alexis' room in the process. There was a window in the middle of the floor, letting in the moonlight, and Kate saw at once how pale her skin was. she frowned slightly, opening the door of the guest room where she had slept many times before, as a friend. When her house blew up. When a killer was after her. She went straight to the bed, glancing at the alarm clock. 12:20. It was too late for her to sleep. She bit her lip, making a decision. The computer. She sat at the white guest desk and opened up the laptop perched in the center. The blue light was almost blinding at first. A few clicks, and she was looking at her email. Old case files and stuff from her dad, mostly. She pulled up the case she was currently working on, studying the notes and focusing again on the harshness of her bio. _

_Ellison Taylor, __age 42._

_Height: 5'9 Weight: 145lbs._

_Married to Matthew Taylor for twenty-one years. Has one daughter, Katherine Taylor, age 17. Worked as a social worker in Brooklyn. Lived in Manhattan. COD is a single stab wound to the chest. Tox screen negative. No problems with any coworkers or boss. Neighbors describe her as "Likeable and Friendly."_

_No lead suspects so far._

_This alone was almost too much for Kate. The similarity of the murders, the daughter, the place she lived, the age. This was just like Johanna Beckett's murder. But this by no means was the hardest part of the case. The hardest part had been when she was called to a crime scene at six o'clock in the morning and found the daughter. Katherine. She pulled up the attached file, taking in a deep breath to prepare herself._

_Katherine Taylor, age 17._

_Height: 5'7 Weight: 129lbs._

_Daughter of the recently deceased Ellison Taylor and Matthew Taylor. Graduated in June from Wesley Hills High School. Registered to attend Princeton University in the fall. Was in Australia when her mother was killed. COD is damage to internal organs from overdose of acetaminophen, or common Tylenol. For more information, consult Ellison Taylor file #00667901._

_It was so sad that a young girl's whole life could be described in four sentences. Plus the description of her death. She had noticed as soon as she saw the body how young she was. Her face had gone pale as she examined her fragile wrists and slender fingers. Her hazel eyes were still open, as if she was oblivious to her own death. She was a beautiful child, with wavy brown hair cascading around her head. She wore a tight fitting black T-shirt with skinny jeans that tucked in to the top of her gray boots. Her left hand had two small gold chains on it, one with a gold heart in the center, and one with a pink rose. Kate had told Lanie specifically not to cut them off. She wanted them to be unclasped and returned to the family. The girl had pink painted fingernails and Kate was suddenly fighting the urge to cry. She was so young. She remembered things she was so ashamed of. Right after her mom died, staring at her Dad's gun in its shiny case. Taking an aspirin for a headache and shaking the bottle just to see how many there were. Once she poured out twenty into her hand and held it up to her mouth, just to see what it would feel like._

_Kate closed the biography and pulled up the audio statements from her family. She turned the volume down low and closed her eyes._

_Matthew Taylor, 7/13 2:14:38 pm._

_"Kate was a wonderful child. She was so smart and beautiful, just like...just like her mom. She loved to dance and sing and-"_

_He sighed loudly._

_"Anything with music, she loved music. And science and history. Even at seventeen, she was always disappearing to the museums and aquariums, sometimes she took me with her. And she just stared at the fish and pressed her face against the glass of the shark tank. I think she liked knowing that they couldn't hurt her, no matter how hard they tried. She always wanted to swim with the tropical fish, so after graduation, I bought her a plane ticket to Australia." _

_There was a slight pause as he took a few deep deaths._

_"After what happened to her mom- I'm not surprised that she ended up like this."_

_Lanie __ruled it a suicide the very next day._

_Kate shut the computer and rubbed her face, looking at the alarm clock once more. _

_1:03. She crawled into the cold guest bed and buried her face in a pillow, crying herself to sleep._

_When she woke up, Rick was sitting beside her on the bed._

_"Hi", she mumbled sleepily._

_He didn't look happy._

_"Why are you here?"_

_She looked around._

_"I didn't want to wake you up."_

_He shook his head._

_"No. Why are you here at all? If you don't call, you don't wake me up. You left me waiting for you at Remy's for two hours, Kate. And you didn't even call."_

_She opened her mouth, suddenly confused by his anger, but he cut her off._

_"Where were you?"_

_She blinked and swallowed._

_"I- at the...precinct."_

_He nodded, as if he was expecting this._

_"You are my wife. You have a husband and a daughter. You can't just run away and not tell me where you are."_

_Now Kate was angry._

_"What, now you want me to call you every time I want to leave the house? I can do whatever the hell I want, Rick. It's not like I begged to move in with you."_

_He laughed sarcastically._

_"Well you were fine dumping all your crap in my house."_

_"Your house?"_

_"Well you just said you didn't want to stay here."_

_"I don't know Rick, am I going to have to report my whereabouts to you every hour? What's wrong with staying a little late at the precinct? I'm trying to catch a killer."_

_He groaned._

_"It's that damned case. With the mom and the daughter. Kate you can't fall down the rabbit hole again with a case that isn't even your mom's."_

_That hit her hard._

_"I do this for her, Rick._

_"Well it sure looks like it. You can't disappoint her, Kate. She's dead."_

_She didn't even stop to breathe before slapping him across the cheek with all of her strength. He stood with his face to the side, taken aback by the impact._

_"You think I don't know that? You think I don't miss her? I cried every morning I woke up and remembered she was gone. For a long time. It hits me every day like its the first time I'm hearing it."_

_He closed his eyes, now turning back to face her._

_"I want a life with you. I want my future to be shared with you. But all you want is to catch killers. Are you ever going to come home and get in bed with me? Are you ever going to think about maybe us having a kid?"_

_She ground her teeth._

_"We already have one."_

_"I already have one."_

_She wiped the tears from her cheek._

_"Are you seriously going to take Alexis away from me too? I love her and you know it."_

_"Don't you want one together? Equally? Do you ever want to retire and stay at home all day? Or are you going to die on the job? Shot down or pushed off a building. What would Alexis think?"_

_She sighed._

_"I love my job."_

_As if that answered the question._

_"I know, but-"_

_She raised her eyebrows._

_"But what?"_

_He clenched his jaw._

_"If that's all you want, maybe I made a mistake."_

_"I still have my old apartment, if this isn't going to work for you."_

_He shook his head, speaking softer now._

_"Maybe the mistake was asking you to marry me."_

_She blinked, pointing a shaky hand to the exit._

_"Leave."_

_He turned around and walked towards the door, and the air in the room suddenly was too dense to breathe in. Kate broke out in sobs and crumpled to the bed. She buried herself into the mattress, building a cocoon around her. She trapped herself down there until the air was stale and warm. Then she stayed anyways._


End file.
